I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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