i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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