I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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