EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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