Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
