You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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