I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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