I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize