Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
