Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
