Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
