i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
