you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
