Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
