the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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