Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You pole danced in your parka.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
