my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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