remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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