My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My ATM looks so different sober.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
