Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize