im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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