jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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