I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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