i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
