Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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