he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
