I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
