i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
