he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
