Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
