I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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