I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
