dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize