Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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