"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
