Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
