you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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