Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
