i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize