I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
