Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
