umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
