Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
