The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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