The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
