Got a toothbrush?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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