Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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