Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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