He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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