I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
