he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
