the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
