So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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