Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
