my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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