I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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