Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
