Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize