Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I can text with my tongue
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize