38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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