I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
