so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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