Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
